Began to See Things Clearly in Life —
Back to the island where I regain my sanity, Bali. December 2020. It’s the end of the year.
2020 has taught me things that I’ve never think about it before, that universe is on the right time — on the right track. That universe is always in time, no right time no wrong time.
Several months ago I was in a life journey that sometimes I blame the circumstances and time. “Why did I stuck? Why did I have to be in this events? Why do I have live today? Why why why why”. Back then I was in everyday struggle on how I perceive things that tend to be happen in my life. I was wondering when is the right time for me, when incredible things will come to me, etc.
But what I learn is, that universe isn’t making you wait for what’s yours. There are no delay in universe. World itself isn’t holding the future for myself. Tapi kenyataannya cuma diri kita yang bisa menempatkan diri kita pada waktu dan keadaan yang kita mau. Sama halnya dengan segala hal yang terjadi di hidup gue, gue yang menempatkan diri pada fase dan keadaan tersebut. I took control of my life, on how I perceive things, how I think, how I wanted things to be happen.
Tapi gue belajar segala hal yang gue mau ga semerta-merta bisa kejadian gitu aja. Let me flashing things back, the day I got separate with my ex, I was doomed. Very doomed until there’s nothing that excite me anymore. But for sure I know what I want, I wanted to move on. I want to get out of that loop of misery. I want to fix myself, bebenah diri. Tapi pada saat itu sekeras apapun kemauan gue, gue merasa semesta tidak mendukung, gue merasa keinginan gue ‘ingin’ tapi tindakan gue ‘statis’. And again I was stuck on that circumstances that blaming the universe.
Tetapi setelah berproses gue sadar, back then the world is giving me space. And today I know that space is the good things. Because of that space, I realize where I meant to be and how to be ready to go there. Space also making me phase out denials, release all the anchors and attachments to the person or a memories, also a false belief that previously I used to normalized it to be happened, but then I realized it was wrong. Jeda bukan sesuatu yang buruk, gue ga stuck tapi gue sedang berada dalam jeda yang mempersiapkan gue to be a person who can finally take the leap.
I can’t live in that space before. Karena sebelumnya hidup gue selalu fast-paced. Lulus tepat waktu, langsung intern, dari intern langsung kerja, pindah kerja langsung dapet. No rest. Begitupun in a personal life, gue selalu dikelilingi oleh my ex, my friends, kegiatan2. July was hitting me hard when I lose my job and lost things to do, lost a person, lost some friends. I can’t see that space as a reward from universe. But funny things, when I can’t see space as a reward, it give me ‘the’ reward instead. It taught me that life is a self-paced journey, that means I have my own pace that can’t be compared with another person. I learn that I am where I am, the time put me where I need to be.
No need to rush in life. I used to be afraid that I’m in a static condition, that I’m staying still. People tend to be worry about the moment because they think and worry to much of what happen next. That’s what I used to do, wake up in the morning, crying and worrying things how should my day be going. What kind of person gonna be my next lover, do I deserve someone better, is there any other person who can take me as I am with all of my flaws, how to be stable, how to be happy, where do I get a job, how I maintain friends, what to do next. I’m over-worried.
But again, I learn that there is no pressure for learning faster or self-developing at a maximum speed. Because learning, healing, and developing doesn’t work that way. It’s a lifetime process. It’s an everyday process. Giving it pressure doesn’t make things better, it’s just like adding salt to the sea. The process made me become the person who can handle the new life I asked for. I once learn from the Zen Buddhist Teacher and writer: Haemin Sunim — The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down. It goes like:
When trust is shattered, when hope are dashed, when a loved one leaves you, before doing anything, just paused your life and rest a moment. On a piece of paper, write down everything that stresses you out. List everything you ought to do, including minor things — watering plants, replying messages. Tell yourself you will go through the list tomorrow. When you open your eyes the next morning, your mind and body will be ready. Don’t give up in the face of criticism. Learn to brush aside what people who don’t know you have to say. Having critics means what you’re doing is getting people’s attention. Have courage, and continue down the path you’re on. So today, I pray for you. Love yourself despite your imperfections. Stroke your heart once in a while and tell yourself, “I love you”.
I know I’m not in a waiting period, I’m not waiting for things to be happen but I’m in a prep period. I prepared for things that will happen if I let it. Because one day, or maybe today, it will be the day to begin or to move. I realize the reasons that keep myself where I’m at is that I need to release, to process, and to detach things from (releasing things that never meant to be in my life, processing things that will becoming my future, and to sometimes to detach from things that hold me and to depend on myself). I also learn to fix my old beliefs in something, to slowly shift small aspects of personality into alignment, to developed elements in life, and to let go things altogether.
Finally, I learnt that there’s no right time, there’s only ‘time’ and what we choose to do with it. Universe isn’t making me wait, but that’s me who make myself wait until I’m ready to step forward. The moment I asked for better, also the moment I began to receive better. The time it takes to make what is manifest, is chosen by me.
…and today, I’m ready to harvest all the manifestation I’ve made. To the better and the bad days ahead.
:)
